I hang out with a very, very wide variety of people. When people discover I’m a pastor, they often start to apologize for themselves–the way they speak, the way they dress, what they believe, etc. I find it frustrating and sad that either a.) they feel so disconnected from God that they feel they have to be ashamed when anything about God is around, b.) they are so accustomed to being judged and shamed by Christians they automatically expect this to be my reaction to them, or c.) all of the above!
One country gentleman recently cussed around me. He turned bright red, ducked his head in shame, and apologized to me profusely. I leaned over, put my arm around his back and said, “It’s okay. I don’t think God gives a shit what you say (insert country gentleman almost choking on his plug of chaw). I think God cares a lot more about what’s going on in your heart and how you’re treating other people.”
More times than I care to count, I’ve had people “confessing” to me that they either had previously or are currently ”living in sin”. That continues to be the Southern way of saying someone is living with his or her partner, which is another way of saying they’re having sex with someone they are in relationship with without being married.
When they say this, I ask them, “Is your relationship commited to love, respect, and support for each other and do you make life better for each other?” To which they’ve each said, “Yes.” I then ask them what’s sinful about that?
Healthy and loving relationships are a beautiful thing, and need the church’s support. For whatever reason, not everyone has had a ceremony or gotten a piece of paper that gives them “license” to be intimate. For those in same-gender relationships, there is no piece of paper “legitimizing” the relationship. Do we want them to feel drawn to church so we can support them and their relationship, or do we want them to feel so rejected and shamed by us that they avoid us?!
CERTAINLY, my preference is for people to have a ceremony or holy union before the church, but not so that WE can feel okay about what THEY do in their private relationship. I PREFER that so that WE can support THEM in maintaining a relationship that is strong and healthy and happy.
I believe God created all life. As the Creator, I believe God values anything else that gives life or enhances our living and is against only that which destroys or inhibits life. “Sin”, in my book then, is anything that goes against God…the Creator…hence anything that goes against full and wonderful life. Life, by my definition, cannot therefore be sinful.
Sex has been made into something ”shameful”, but it is a natural part of who we are that God meant to be wonderful and enjoyable. By NOT teaching people healthy ways to express their sexuality and value it as a gift from God, I believe persons then resort to unhealthy means of sexual expression by lying to themselves and others and not making good decisions for their bodies and their hearts.
It’s like the great debate around sex education for teens. Research demonstrates that providing contraception to teens and teaching them how to use it not only DOESN’T encourage them to have sex, it actually DELAYS the onset of first intercourse and, when they do engage in sex, increases the liklihood they will use contraception. This is because provding information is empowering. In teaching teens how to use contraception, they also learn how to communicate with their partner about its use. They learn to respect themselves and others.
In the church, we’ve sent sex underground where people of faith often don’t feel they can talk openly about it. Without open communication, and the respect it requires for ourselves and for others, we’re left vulnerable to making poor decisions by not being clear if everyone is on the same page emotionally, by not checking sexual histories and/or getting tested to make certain that any necessary precautions are taken.
Living isn’t sinful. True and real life is, in my view, about openness and respect and joy and love… and includes sex!!! Silence can result in hearts that feel deceived and bodies that suffer harm. So in our relationships, let’s live fully by having the conversations, even if they are difficult, in our homes and churches and relationships. It’s a shame to keep something so beautiful living in the shadows, so let’s bring it into the light and enjoy this gift with responsibility, but FREE from shame!